Many times, you feel sluggish, lethargic and unmotivated. It’s like your spirit is dragging a weight two-times your body’s size. As soon as you’re done with work, you collapse onto your bed, tired for pooling your energies for the day’s functions. When you wake up, at least four hours have past, and now you know that your sleep cycle is completely screwed for the week because that will now end up being the routine. You entertain the thought of trying to keep awake after work, but you know you’ll be so drained you won’t even remember WHEN you pass out onto your bed.
“And I’m a night owl plus my mind is super active at night, coming up with different ideas I need to get down on paper, aaaannd…that doesn’t help my case, at all…”
But you go along with it the best way that you can because it somehow helps bring some level of productivity into your day that was blown by the 4-hour nap you had earlier.
Hygiene becomes an afterthought, and at times even a non-priority. That may disgust whoever is reading this, but being in that state of mind, you care less and less about the upkeep of your body. And unfortunately, because you’ve now “let yourself go” for multiple days in the week, your depressive feelings are only fueled further by your subconscious feelings of disgust and shame. You know this isn’t the person you are, but mustering up enough energy to groom yourself feels like getting yourself ready to climb a mountain…and the mere thought of it is enough to zap your energy. Many of the “good habits” that you’ve garnered up at this point have been uprooted by the lack of drive and energy of continuing to put effort into discipline. And you know what they say about momentum? Once stopped, it takes 3-times the effort to get it back up again.
Oh, and don’t get me started on your emotions. Plus with being a woman, you have enough hormonal-emotional issues with your monthly cycle. Sometimes between that and depressive episodes, it’s hard for you to identify the true culprit. Your moods feel like they are on some rougue puberty function, switching from high to low, low to high without much rhyme or reason. The mere act of that happening on a repeated basis is also enough to drain your energy further, so at times you wonder if it’s just better to self-isolate in an attempt to recharge. You can be with friends one moment, laughing carefree, and another moment you can be avoiding going out or even doing a zoom call altogether because you’re feeling too tired and weighted to drag yourself out of bed and make yourself look presentable. And by looking presentable, I mean just a level above what you would probably consider “a hot mess,” so your close friends and family don’t begin to worry about you.
Ray of JoKay 